Lusting After Cartoon Characters

500 Words on Thursday | Written by Lee Schneider

It is embarrassing, but I once had a crush on Wilma Flintstone. It was a long time ago; I was young, she was prehistoric. I can still see the full moon hanging in the sky like a ripe melon, a nearby dinosaur nuzzling some leaves, Wilma sneaking out while Fred was bowling with Barney, Mrs. Robinson in an animal-skin skirt. I thought Wilma was really hot. Until I met Cheetara, the hottest cat in ThunderCats.

But wait, before I start hyperventilating about a cartoon cat-woman, let’s think of the qualities of a few real life action heroes, like the sainted self-promotional action figure of Ariana Huffington, the righteous always-on-the-money blowhard action figure Jerry Brown, the nerdy superhero Bill Gates, with his dazzling power to donate. These people are changing the world, and sometimes they seem bigger than life. But they are morally complex, with multi-layered, sometimes contradictory personal histories, and that’s why they don’t become shrink-wrapped as action figures, while Superman does.

Even so, while Superman started out as a simple do-gooder from another planet, over the years his long-simmering relationship with Lois Lane has many wondering if he’s in the closet. Yes, he did marry Lois Lane eventually, but Rock Hudson was married to a woman, too. It doesn’t matter if Superman is gay if he does a good job fighting crime, just like it doesn’t matter if Batman is bi, and Speed Racer is still a fast driver, even if he can’t go to bed with a woman without taking off his shiny white helmet. (“Honey, stop hitting the headboard, it’s making too much noise.”)

I’ve read about a guy who’s willing to do Ariel, The Little Mermaid, even though she’s a minor with a fishy smell. He thinks Storm from X-Men would be a good conquest, and he would totally hit on Scarlett from G.I. Joe. A blogger who goes by the nom-de-net of Cheeezey has a gallery of Cheetara images that he’s screen captured. That’s devotion.

On the other hand, I can’t imagine ThunderCats superhero Lion-O getting ready for a big date, not if he has to lug along his Sword of Omens. (“Lion-O, darling, you cut the roof of my convertible again.”) There are some deep-thinking T-Cats analysts who contend that Lion-O doesn’t need to date anyone anyway – his “Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, ThunderCats” bit with the sword is orgasmic all by itself.

Ever since the first caveman created an animation cell for a popular character, which I think was around 1923, cartoon characters have been with us, and comic book heroes before that. We are remarkably willing to invest great energy in imaginary beings. But though they are all as weightless as a thought, they aren’t ordinary, they are heroes. We are always looking for heroes. They don’t have to be real to do the job we need them to do, which is to point the way through a moral morass. Not being imaginary, Ariana, Jerry and Bill have it a lot harder, the more so since their superpowers are courage, believing in California and giving away money.

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